My wife, mate and friend, Tish, died just under three years ago. She was full of vitality – colourful, welcoming, embracing and a lot of fun, an initiator, a creative. She made many feel special.

I have cried and sobbed on my own many hours, with Zoe and Jake many times, with friends, with therapists, in psychodrama groups, with strangers like a poor bank clerk who thought he was changing some settings for me and in rooms full of people. 

At an art exhibition the opening was performed by a Maori man singing/speaking a poem he’d created. Half way thru his poem I am bursting – sobs are trying to explode thru my gut and head. I stagger over to him, with glass of wine in hand, and try to speak – no words come. He takes me outside gives me a long, firm and wonderful hug while I belly sob. The poem was about the loss of his brother. 

I saw Tish take her last breath. The morning of the day she died she took my hand and said I am dying Andrew. She could have been saying it’s a sunny day Andrew. She was at peace with the fact. On asking, she said she was sad, she’d not see her grand children, but otherwise  she was not suffering. There was acceptance, no poor me, no railing against death.  She quietly slipped into coma.

I know she has gone. She won’t be coming back as a monarch butterfly or in any other way. It’s an end. I have an unexpected new life thrown at me. There is a new unexpected freedom. It’s a bit scary. I am struggling. 

Three or four months ago I was watching many hours of Youtube and smoking a packet of roll your owns every 2 to 3 days, more often 2 days. I was living in a cloud of smoke with stinking, days old cups of coffee over flowing with fag ends, needing attention. I had all the windows and doors open and ventilation system turned on. I didn’t want the place to stink. I’d wear outdoor winter clothes, beanie, scarf, gloves, thick wooly socks or what needs be. 

Once upon a time a wee while ago a friend told me about Andrea (not her real name) – Andrea a girlfriend of old, I hadn’t seen in 45 years. I got out some old photos of her and I on a skiing trip. We looked sweet together – clearly fancied and liked each other. I thought it would be lovely to see her, catch up.

We met up round a time I was planning trout fishing a couple mountain streams near Raetahi.  I’d been considering giving up smoking on this trip. I had become addicted since Tish got sick. Andrea who once smoked made a casual comment along the lines of, “hmmm I don’t think I could live with a smoker again”. Something very quiet, hardly noticeable, went off in my brain – not sure what. Since that moment I have not had a smoke. I like the smell. I have had no physical withdrawal symptoms. I have been told my face had a greyness about it which has now gone. My colour is back.

That was one hell of a gift Andrea unknowingly and unintentionally gave me. Maybe she has prolonged my life – she has certainly made climbing hills easier. It was miraculous in the way this happened. It happened to me. I don’t  feel like I did anything.

Andrea did more than give me the gift of being a non smoker, she cracked me open with her intimate kissing, those lips took me out and away. She gave me an intensity of intimacy I had not experienced before. She made me feel wanted, enjoyed and loved. She opened me up to being a non-smoker who can love and be loved again, a whole person, renewed, refreshed and ready to go but……

Oh boy not only was this incredibly wonderful, it has been exquisitely disturbing. I ended up with a teenage crush on Andrea and this rapidly metamorphosed into something akin to a cocaine habit. I’d be with her and feel wonderful. Round about the third day of not being with her, I’d start to feel anxious and it would build. I’d get a minor fix seeing her on video chat. In retrospect, I can see how I searched for examples of her not being nice to me. See, she didn’t respond to xxxx. I told you. Look, she is ignoring me. I’d stoke the fear of losing her. Or was fear arising and making me look for ways to confirm the worst – she doesn’t really care about me?

Over a month back, for a few days, I was having near panic attacks. Then for a week or so I had levels of anxiety which interfered with my functioning. These then settled to a low level of tension that got lit up too often with any tiny error I could pin on Andrea or may be the fear of loss erupted first and then I looked for errors. I think it’s the latter.

Somehow Andrea has stuck with me, at a distance, all through my silliness. I kept a lot of it from her. I’d push, I’d want more, always more. She’d not get hooked in. We are getting there she’d say. I’d try to find my way into her mind, she’d keep me out. I’d think she lacks emotional intelligence and needs to see a therapist. She’d just repeat we are getting there. She’d simply not go to the places I wanted her to go. Her seeming distance and disinterest in my struggles just made things worse. All she has to do is say some nice things to me – no chance.  I swung from needing her to hold me tight, to wanting to get her out of my life. The tension and discomfort was forcing me to make a decision. I was in danger of becoming a medicated person – medicalised and ensnared in the system.

I wrote a relationship ending text. I pasted it in a text box in Facebook messenger and spent hours with my right index finger hovering over the send arrow. I didn’t send it. I knew I was seeing a therapist the next day. Andrea videoed me and within seconds the fix was in. I was good again. Andrea is smiling and doing her delightful thing – all is well with the world, I am fine. I know I am not really. Zoe, Jake  and a couple of friends are pointing out there is a problem dad. 

Intellectually I know I am in a place of need. I have a giant empty space, black hole that Tish left me with and I am trying to get Andrea to fill it, while pretending I am not. I know this but don’t know it enough to change anything, to stop doing it.

I am grateful Andrea has held so well to her reality and didn’t let me distort hers too much. For all that she has been through Andrea is a stunning woman. She has been through many testing years of loss. Maybe once I have fixed myself up she and I might have some lovely holidays and times together. We shall see.  Not a thought to entertain right now Andrew.

Back on track – another miracle happened yesterday. I hope its permanent.

I had my first session, one on one, on-line with a psychodrama therapist named Will (not his real name). Once he had Tish and Andrea sorted in his mind, he would have me flip highly charged emotional memories of say Tish to their relevance with Andrea and vice versa. He’d get me to speak for Andrea and Tish. I saw clearly how what I thought/knew Andrea wanted wasn’t what I was giving. I got her needs and mine would  be different. I got she saved me from the smokes. She turned me on and made life worth living again. Since she came into my life I have been told by friends and strangers how well I am looking. The idea of losing Andrea, the source of all these gifts,  like I lost Tish was/is too much.  I get the cocaine aspect of it all – the need and dependence.  

After the session, I was not expecting any changes. However, I woke this morning into that lovely half way place between sleep and awake, cured, well hopefully, maybe partially, we shall see. Recently that lovely half way place has been filled with concerns and questions re Andrea, ideas about her, fears of losing her and so on and so on.  It has all become way too obsessive and unhealthy, and I have been unable to stop it. I can dampen it down but stop it, no way. It dribbles on thru the day.

Today Andrea wasn’t in there. I was floating about in the warmth and comfort of my bed.  I consciously thought about her. She came in. I felt appreciation. She is sweet and tough as. But there were no signs or symptoms of me obsessing about her, of being critical, of me trying find fault or reasons for why she might suddenly toss me aside. There was no fear. She was just there. Later I went for a two hill walk and bike ride.  I did no obsessing like I usually do. I did feel the coke come close a couple of times.

Oh so you thought once the addiction to Andrea was over, all would be well in your world. Think again buddy. There is the black hole. The one you were trying to get Andrea to fill. You need to pay attention. You’ve got work to do. If you don’t, you’ll just find a different flavour of cocaine. I had a glimpse the other day.